Vegging at home

I've had some ups and some fussy worries but life is amazing on the whole. There is really nothing to compare to seeing our daughter Katrina have her baby. She was so brave and good. I can't thank her enough for trusting me to be there.The Midwife really knew her stuff. I'm especially glad that she knew exactly how to get that 9lbs baby with the barrel chest to come out on his own.

After 6 & 1/2 weeks on the Lantz's cozy sofa, it was with mixed emotions that I cuddled up to my sweet Layne in our own soft bed. As much as I missed my best friend, it took me awhile to stop thinking I should see Sammy around here somewhere. I guess as I get older the brain takes longer to adjust to new things.

Speaking of which, it was sad to see that the gradual decay in Mom's condition was noticeable after so short a time as 6 weeks. Somehow she seems better now though I'm not sure if that isn't just me getting used to her again. She's really so patient and easy to care for. You can see how much she struggles to find meaning in her days. I wish I could give her that. I just don't know how. I've started to practice the piano a little everyday. She seems to really enjoy watching me and trying to give me pointers. Maybe this is the time in my life I'm supposed to finally learn to play.

I came home to some tentative job offers. I took them all. I'm officially signed up as an employee with Tasteful Trends Interiors. That is straight commission and I only go in if I have a project. They were willing to do a mass mailing for me to reach as many of my old clients as seemed possible. It's a shot in the dark in this economic climate but it was worth a try. I also agreed to do some projects for Gable House Interiors. The first one was his own showroom. We'll see if he thinks I'm worth keeping around for others. And the last offer was from Ethan Allen. They invited me to become an independent contractor with them. I decided to take them up on that so I got my business license - or am in the process still actually, and applied to corporate for that opportunity.

Now I'm sitting around at home and wondering what the future will bring. It's nice to get some things done around the house. Layne and I have almost got those 2 rooms ready for company. It's easy to fall into lazy habits and I feel like all I do is do things for me and I don't like it. It doesn't feel right. I'm not making money and I'm not serving anyone but me. Even working on the house seems selfish because it's mine. I'm watching too many shows on hulu and playing free cell too much.

But I do get a little done every day, usually with Layne's help because I'm not as tough as I used to be. I guess sometimes it's just not necessary to push as hard as other times. Maybe that's the answer. I don't have to be "doing" all the time to be ok. I love my life right now. I enjoy having Layne and Mom near. I love our house. It really is beautiful. The dusty yellow makes me think of sunbeams. I guess I'm just doing things I enjoy doing and I don't have to feel guilty about that. There's plenty of time, and nobody needs anything from me but my prayer. Right? Of course right.

I am praying for all of you as hard as I ever have and as hard as I always will. I'm so proud you, so amazed by you, so impressed. And I will always love you.